Stress Balls Won't Fix This: Why 'Managing Reactions' Misses the Point

 Let’s talk about mental health advice and how it often sidesteps the real issue. Society has become obsessed with telling people to “manage” their reactions, while pretty much ignoring what actually set them off in the first place. Imagine if, instead of handing out stress balls and suggesting yoga, we paused to ask, “Hey, what led to this?” Here are a few stories that show just how funny—and frustrating—this can get.

Take my husband. He’s typically the calm, easygoing one in the family, but he has his limits. Recently, a family member decided to press all his buttons—commenting on every decision he’s made, offering “advice” that sounds more like judgment, and poking at sensitive topics until he was ready to snap. When he finally spoke up, firmly and maybe with a little edge, what do you think happened? Was the family member told to maybe respect boundaries? Oh, no. Instead, he’s the one who gets pulled aside with a heartfelt suggestion that he look into anger management, as if he’s about to go Hulk every time someone says, “Hi.” The actual issue—the family member’s relentless button-pushing—is left completely untouched, while my poor husband is advised to “work on” his response. It’s like blaming the kettle for whistling when you added the water and cranked up the heat.

Think about the classic college pressure-cooker situation. Picture a student, pushing through endless study sessions, living off caffeine, and juggling family expectations to “make something of themselves” while also somehow getting enough sleep to stay healthy. The pressure’s coming from all sides, until finally, an anxiety attack hits them during finals week. The family, of course, is supportive in the way only a family can be—they suggest meditations, breathing exercises, maybe even a little “you-time.” Not once does anyone consider that they’re the ones putting this kid on a treadmill at top speed. Nope! They’d rather hand over a stress ball and remind them to “find balance.” Because clearly, a nice deep breath will fix a 24/7 grind fueled by their own impossible expectations.

Take a look at social anxiety—the ultimate “it’s not you, it’s them” situation. Picture someone at a big family gathering, just trying to survive without being grilled about every detail of their life. Aunt Edna wants to know why they’re single, Uncle Joey is critiquing their career, and Grandma casually mentions that they “used to look healthier.” Next thing they know, their heart’s racing and they’re eyeing the door. Later, they’re told they need to “work on” their social anxiety. Social anxiety? They wouldn’t feel anxious if “social” didn’t involve live rounds of 20 Questions: Your Life Edition. Maybe instead of a pep talk about “toughing it out,” Aunt Edna could tough out her curiosity, and Uncle Joey could take a holiday from judgment.

Sometimes, emotions like anger, anxiety, and stress are our brains saying, “Hey, something’s wrong here!” If we actually listened to that, maybe we’d stop telling people to just manage their reactions and start addressing the real issues. Until then, it’s just us, our stress balls, and the unreasonable expectation that our responses are the problem.